I'd Rather Be Brilliant Than Beautiful

     Being called "beautiful" is something that, at times, I have wanted more than anything. There have been moments in my life where being called beautiful would've been the best compliment I could possibly think to receive. It seems to me that it can mean different things depending on the context or who it's coming from. Sometimes it can simply mean that you're nice to look at and at other times it can be a compliment to you as a person, as a whole. It's a word that I think has lost a lot of meaning. Everyone knows that everyone else wants to hear it. Plenty of girls will simply melt at the word, whether it's genuine or not. It feels like such a cliche, like it's such an easy thing to say and people seem to think it's the greatest compliment to give a girl and I really just don't understand it.

     I'm not saying that I don't appreciate a compliment on my appearance, because I do, just like everyone does. I'm saying that the greatest admiration I receive doesn't need to be based on how I look. I understand that "beautiful" can be a compliment to more than just someone's appearance. It can appeal to them as a person, but from my experience, it's the easiest word to come to someone's mind when they need something nice to say. It requires no actual thought about the person it's being said to. It's easy to call someone beautiful because anyone will appreciate it and it can apply to anyone.

     Easily the greatest compliment I have received is that I'm brilliant. It's a compliment to my mind, my talent, my presence, me as a person. I've been called brilliant a couple times, at most, in my life. It actually means something to say that someone is brilliant and it appeals to so much more than physical appearances. Being beautiful is something that everyone wants, but if you ask me, it's much more valuable to be brilliant. I'd rather be seen as smart or talented or interesting than just beautiful. I don't strive and work at being beautiful like I strive to be successful and educated and good at the things I do. I'd much rather be noticed for the traits that make up my whole self than be noticed for the way I appear.

     Beauty seems to be valued above most other things that a person can be, but it seems to me that it's a fairly useless thing to be. Everyone wants to be beautiful in some way or another, and it's not at all a bad thing to want to be. I just think there are so many more valuable and desirable qualities to have or to want in another person.

Songs For When You're Sad

     It's pretty rare for me to find myself listening to really sad or slow music because I tend to be more into upbeat music, but lately I've needed some sad songs to listen to and I've found some pretty wonderful ones.


Back to Black by Amy Winehouse

The first time I ever heard this song it was sang by a 14 year old girl at an open mic night at a coffee shop and not only was she amazing, but I completely fell in love with this song.

The Morning After by Meg Myers

Landfill by Daughter

Of course Youth is a great one, too.

Three Seed by Silversun Pickups

Skinny Love by Birdy

I love Bon Iver and pretty much any of his songs could be on this list, but I just love Birdy's version of this song.

Crazy by Daniela Andrande

This cover caught me completely off guard but it is so good. I just discovered her on Spotify ten seconds before putting her on this list and her songs are beautiful. She has a cover of Latch and one of Crazy in Love and I would recommend listening to both of those.

Seven Nation Army by Zella Day

I am obsessed with this cover, to say the least.

Sober by Broods

Breathe Me by Sia

Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron and Wine 

If you've seen Twilight, you'll probably recognize this song. I think it was played during the scene where they dance at prom. Anyway, it's a good song.

Anxiety

     The thing about anxiety and panic attacks is that there's no way to escape it. I can try to ignore it, I can try to breathe through it, or I can try to distract myself from it, but it never really disappears. It's difficult to feel completely at ease knowing that the smallest occurrence can cause a panic in me. It's difficult to feel at peace knowing that any inconsistency or disturbance can cause such an unsettling reaction.

     It's easy for someone to tell me "calm down" or "it'll be okay" but it's hard to get past the fact that my stomach is turning, my hands are shaking, I'm short of breath, my toes are tingling, I'm lightheaded, and I'm nauseous. My mind is flooded with thoughts of panic and worst-case scenarios and I just become overwhelmed to the point of tears.

     I'd like to think that logic could overrule my panicky thoughts, but it usually can't. When something that's causing me anxiety is resolved, it doesn't mean I automatically feel better. It's already consumed me and I don't just forget it once it's gone. It lingers and it can take a while for me to stop shaking or feel less sick.

     One of the worst parts is knowing when it's coming. When I can feel something going wrong or my stomach starting to turn or my heart beating faster. It's almost as if I get anxious over the anxiety I know I'm about to have so I just end up more anxious, more quickly. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I actually have a reason to be anxious or if I'm just over thinking myself into anxiety. Either way, it sucks, to say it plainly.

My Favorite Songs Right Now

In no particular order and without sticking to any certain genre, this is some of my favorite music that I've been listening to although I could go on forever if I let myself.


1. Warm Thoughts by Flume

Literally any song by Flume is amazing, though.

2. Your Soul by Hippie Sabotage

3. I Got You by Jack Johnson

This is on the album From Here To Now To You and basically every song on this album is perfect.

4. Soldier On by The Temper Trap

5. Dead Air by  CHVRCHES

This song is part of the Mockingjay Part 1 soundtrack, which is awesome as a whole.

6. You by Gold Panda

7. Fever by Peggy Lee

She made music mostly during the 50's and 60's so this song is really old and jazzy.

8. Welcome Home, Son by Radical Face 

9. Ghostwriter by RJD2

10. Sea of Air by Portugal. The Man

This is easily my favorite song they've done and it's on the album Evil Friends.

Mockingjay Part 1 (Spoilers)

   

     Now, when it comes to movies, I may be a little bit biased on what is a good movie or not. Movies are easily my favorite form of entertainment. I can find enjoyment in nearly any movie I watch and I can find something to enjoy about a horrible movie, but Mockingjay Part 1 was far from a horrible movie. Even just leaving the theater I heard lots of chatter about how it wasn't nearly as good as Catching Fire, but I have to disagree. It's almost a different kind of movie even though they're part of the same trilogy.

     Mockingjay is no longer about the actual Hunger Games. It's about the war in Panem and the rebellion fighting against the capital. It is, however, still about survival. It has all the familiar pieces of the first two movies, with Katniss being protective of Peeta and being a symbol for the districts, but even more so. With Peeta captured and being held in the Capital and Gale being in District 13 with Katniss, you can imagine the emotional turmoil.

     I get very emotionally involved in movies and this one jerked my emotions around like crazy. I was literally on the edge of my seat biting my nails and holding my breath the entire movie. It was more emotional than the first two movies and focused so much on the death and horror and destruction surrounding Katniss and the districts. Peeta was broadcasted saying things to try to convince the rebels to back down and quit and with each broadcast, you could see him getting weaker and weaker. It was clear something horrible was being done to him in the Capital and watching him physically and mentally deteriorate and nearly cry each time we saw him tore my heart into a million pieces.

     I've read a couple reviews that didn't particularly like the way the movie ended, but it was the most intense, heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. The acting was the most convincing I have ever seen in a movie. Johanna was saved, Annie was reunited with Finnick, and Peeta was brought back and it seemed as if they were succeeding and making progress in the rebellion. One of the final scenes though, was when Katniss and Peeta saw each other for the first time. Silly me had completely forgotten what happened in the book and had a near heart attack when Peeta attacked Katniss. He wasn't himself, he was barely human, and he was horrifying.

     Josh Hutcherson and Jennifer Lawrence's acting in this scene was insane. Her reaction and near death had me terrified even though I've read the books and clearly she'll be alive for the next movie, but I wasn't even sure anymore. It had me so convinced and anxious that this new horrifying Peeta was going to overpower and actually kill Katniss. Coming from Peeta, the sweet baker boy who was desperately in love with her, it was just unbelievable.

     I'm so for this movie in every way and I won't be able to get it out of my head for at least a week, even if I wanted to. I'm definitely going to need some recovery time. It's so different from the other two in a way that I was not expecting, yet completely loved and if you don't see it and enjoy it, then maybe it's because I'm hyping it up to a very high, although totally exceeded, standard. Just go see it.