The thing about anxiety and panic attacks is that there's no way to escape it. I can try to ignore it, I can try to breathe through it, or I can try to distract myself from it, but it never really disappears. It's difficult to feel completely at ease knowing that the smallest occurrence can cause a panic in me. It's difficult to feel at peace knowing that any inconsistency or disturbance can cause such an unsettling reaction.
It's easy for someone to tell me "calm down" or "it'll be okay" but it's hard to get past the fact that my stomach is turning, my hands are shaking, I'm short of breath, my toes are tingling, I'm lightheaded, and I'm nauseous. My mind is flooded with thoughts of panic and worst-case scenarios and I just become overwhelmed to the point of tears.
I'd like to think that logic could overrule my panicky thoughts, but it usually can't. When something that's causing me anxiety is resolved, it doesn't mean I automatically feel better. It's already consumed me and I don't just forget it once it's gone. It lingers and it can take a while for me to stop shaking or feel less sick.
One of the worst parts is knowing when it's coming. When I can feel something going wrong or my stomach starting to turn or my heart beating faster. It's almost as if I get anxious over the anxiety I know I'm about to have so I just end up more anxious, more quickly. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I actually have a reason to be anxious or if I'm just over thinking myself into anxiety. Either way, it sucks, to say it plainly.